If It Ain't Broke...
Critiquing WWE Crown Jewel 2024
Disclaimer:
I’m definitely the sort of fan to call these events blood money shows. It’s how they started, and the avalanche of evidence to their infamous history is always and forever best exemplified thusly:
Certain life events meant that I haven’t watched any of the weekly build up to this event, so please take all criticisms in with that in mind. I know that we have two Champion Vs. Champion matches, but outside of that, I’m completely blind as to anything that’s supposed to go down with this one.
I never understand why we’re supposed to value one-off championships that are never defended. These are titles that have ZERO history, prestige and will fade from awareness after the final publicity shots are taken.
I could be proven wrong, but eh… I feel safe in my stance.
Let’s get this salty affair started.
The network version I’m watching starts with the completely unnecessary entering the arena/walk towards the camera bullshit.
I may be projecting a bit, but it seems Kevin Owens specifically seems to be pantomiming displeasure with this, and I’m thankful that my frustration is given a voice.
Solo Sikoa, Tama Tonga & Jacob Fatu w/Tonga Loa (The Bloodline) Vs. Roman Reigns, Jimmy & Jey Uso
I’m digging that Solo is still donning the Ula Fala.. As a person who’s missed out on the past few weeks of television, it puts Sikoa on a similar plane of relevancy as Roman, as (at the very least) the young blood has managed to maintain control over something the old guard has yet to successfully retrieve. Michael Cole on commentary lends solid support to this narrative, heavily underlining the undertones of unity when referencing the New Bloodline.
Jey enters after Roman/Jimmy, and while I’m instinctively against this, I feel there can be solid arguments made for this particular order. Jimmy/Jey have yet to establish themselves as solidly INDIVIDUALLY as someone like Dwayne Johnson after his famous “Rocky Sucks” backlash, but as much as I may be critical of their actual performances IN-RING, I won’t deny that Jey has certainly captured a fair amount of charisma with a simple “YEET!”
A separate entrance for Jey further isolates him from the shadow of yester-year, but I can’t help but see the irony in Main Event Jey Uso being placed at the opening of the card.
That’s just odd.
As we open the match, I’d just like to say that I feel a small amount of pity for JIMMY Uso.
We’ve watched these twin brothers come from chants at the top of the entrance ramp, through face paint and unified titles. We’ve seen them through covid, and the emergence of the Bloodline, walking alongside the words of wiseman and the actions of an honorary Uce…
But Jimmy seems to be frozen in a sort of Limbo that started at WrestleMania.
It’s not easy to break out after a lengthy career standing on the apron waiting for a tag. There are different dynamics and ways to divert charisma when flying solo, and not everyone survives the drop out of the nest.
I don’t know what I wish for Roman’s right hand, but I suppose it’s at least that I stop seeing him as merely an extension of his family…
As things get going, I’m almost immediately distracted by the contrast in energy when comparing both corners. The new blood owns the fair majority of vocalizations as interactions are bordered with Jacob Fatu proclaiming loudly whom he works for with every club and strike.
It’s hard to figure who is playing what role when, conversely, Reigns remains outside the ropes staring stoically.. All of this stirs the simple story of how in sync the former champion stands with the Uso’s who’ve yet to prove their cohesion post WrestleMania…
As Jey gets worked by Jacob Fatu, I can’t help but think I may have produced this a little differently. Roman feels like a cheap garnish that isn’t bringing anything to the dish, especially when contrasted by the Uso’s, who feel like they’re still finding footing for some reason. Emotionally, energetically, and dare say it, with more passion, the new Bloodline seems to be dominating this match from a performance perspective.
I feel bored. I know this event is likely to feel like a hearty plate of filler, but I can’t stop the sensation that this is no better than a Smackdown main event without the foresight to bring it to any never-before-seen conclusion.
Roman finally nabs a tag and serves up a series of strikes with Sikoa that feel like a re-hash of Bad Blood highlights.
Solo catches Reigns with a kick mid-Superman Punch and Jimmy CLEARLY botches his timing on making the save.
The ref should’ve counted the three on that one, and WOOF is it obvious.
As things break down, Reigns hauls in Tama Tonga over the top rope, and atop the ref. Solo manages to recover in the madness, pummeling Roman with several Samoan Spikes to secure a pinfall victory over one of the longest reigning champions of our age…
Overall this one could’ve been paced FAR better, and felt less rushed and more aimless towards the finished that should’ve been set up a bit more competently if they wanted to drive home a genuine sense of conclusiveness within the moment.
Solo’s crew makes the most of the win and begins rounding the troops for more destruction post-match but is stopped by Sami Zayn, who shifts the odds, but slips up, seeking to strike Sikoa, making contact with Reigns, which I’m sure was accidental…
WWE Women’s Tag-Team Championship Fatal-4-Way Match: Bianca Belair & Jade Cargill (Champions) Vs. Kairi Sane & Iyo Sky (Damage CTRL) Vs. Chelsea Green & Piper Niven Vs. Lash Legend & Jakara Jackson (Meta-Four)
I’m all for this amount of people cleverly maneuvered into the spotlight. Right off the bat, I’m giving a nod to this for making the most of your talent and their time.
I’m happy for Cole noting Sky’s win in a four way SINGLES match going into this, thus the momentum appears to be in the favor of Damage CRTL, and that’s a solid enough narrative to go for me.
I have no idea how this one will pan out, but I feel everyone involved has enough skill on paper to provide a decent enough in-ring narrative to pull me through, despite being in the dark on story.
I’ve not watched ANY of Meta-Four’s history, so I’m excited to see what they bring, though I need more Piper. I feel she’s dramatically underused, and her pairing with Green has a good chemistry behind it that seems natural. I never mind seeing what they bring to the table.
A nod to production for the framing of Cargill looking back at Belair during their entrance. Sometimes less is more with delivery, and this is how it’s done. It’s not easy to blend different entrances/music but THIS is a solid way to frame people coming out separately as equals. (As I write this, I WILL note the narrative Cole & Graves deliver discusses the optics of how this appears.)
I don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but Bianca deserves her own special mentions section in the hall of fame for learning how perform wrestling basics, but while simultaneously CONSTANTLY being aware of her hair and how to hold it doing every. separate. thing. that could end in severe injury if not done carefully..
I said it about the opening bout, and I’ll mention it again, Green has her eye on the BALL much like Jacob Fatu. When you’re in a situation when you can be easily lost in the mess of it all, it’s not competing for attention if you’re animated and fully immersed in character while standing on the apron. You don’t have to take away from what’s going on in the ring, but if you’re at the point you’re on a WWE PLE, I’d say you should do more than just stand there idly while trying to mentally prepare your taxes..
SUPPLIMENT what’s going on! Feed into what ever way the crowd seems to be pushing the match. It’s not hard to observe what’s going on around you and become part of it.
I have a hard time forgiving people just phoning in their existence into what could otherwise be a more engaging experience for fans. At the VERY least sell an expression as to what’s happening.
It’s LITERALLY your job.
The issue that plagues this match and all like it is the fact that even MICHAEL COLE states that it’s no-disqualification, and, as it’s for the titles, I’ve NO IDEA why everyone just stands waiting for their turn when it’s COMPLETELY legal to drop outside, grab something heavy and swing wildly until you’re the winner.
When the title’s on the line, and there’s no rules, why aren’t you doing EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to win what will get you and your family more money/security? If you’re just standing idly by, my brain breaks, because it makes everyone look like a docile idiot for not having made use of this loophole.
(Wrestlemania X-Seven that shit EVERY TIME!)
Green sells a bit for each team as she makes her way around the ring, stopping in each corner to be worked over a hair..
I know everyone in this bout is essentially wearing alternative gear due to rules in Saudi Arabia, but I want to at least note that I dig Piper’s gear, and feel it makes her look even more imposing. I don’t know if it’s the near-dramatic level of black, but it works.
Jackson, Damage CTRL, & Green (caught by Piper) all take turns with high risks, each landing roundabouts at the bottom of the ramp acting as fodder for the next in line.
Things turn tornado style back in the ring as we all get our shit in to ready ourselves for the finish.
Piper/Green gain the upper hand, but fumble the final as Niven splashes Green with a little “friendly fire” leading to a Doomsday Device and retention for Cargill & Belair at 12:00..
Seth FREAKIN’ Rollins Vs. Big Bronson Reed
When Bull Dempsey began to ascend the NXT ladder, I couldn’t have been a bigger mark.
Big E was onto something, and I’m definitely a sucker for Big Meaty Men Slappin Meat, so bring on Mr. Reed!
Bronson scratches an itch that’s incredibly niche’.
I dig those who may be heavier framed, but move with almost a feather like ease/swiftness that speaks to the control they have over their bodies IN THAT RING.
The name of the game for me regarding HOW you work is control, and protecting who you’re working with. If you’re a heavyweight and you can maintain an elegance that turns that squash to poetry?
I just plain dig it.
I feel Rollins’ entrance gear is HHH inspired? Either way, A+. Denim is underused in ring gear, FIGHT ME.
We take a minute to get into the ring, as the two tussle up and down the ramp, over barricades, before finally swapping signatures just after the opening bell.
Though I feel Reed feels rather paint-by-numbers as far as big guy gimmicks go, I’ll say he checks my box concerning consistency. Hats off to wrestlers who immerse me every time by making me forget I’m watching someone work.
Nia, take notes.
Commentary is doing their fair share here, and I want to note how well it’s complimenting the two, as things slow after a quick and hard-hitting open. Especially as a fan who’s missed out on the week-to-week, knowing Reed’s intentions as far as beating Rollins is decent filler as things regain momentum.
I’ll give production full merits tonight, there’s been a few panning shots around the ring, and the entrances have had solid framing choices that have wet my whistle, and I can’t ignore it.
Both men work themselves up to the top rope where Reed takes a bump off a head-butt, and Rollins capitalizes with a solid frog-splash.
The Beauty in Reed is how solid he undoubtedly is. It’s clear there is a genuine amount of muscle that stacks up against Rollins, as all Bronson has to do is stand to no-sell some offense, and he seems completely natural slipping in a Superplex while doing so.
I feel, (should WWE make the most of their minutes) that these two could put on a decent program if given the room to run. Reed takes EVERYTHING Rollins gives, and it doesn’t even seem smug. The fact slaps almost fade into Bronson’s skin like the wind feels less like no-selling and more like an obvious strength that anyone can observe.
Reed is eventually felled by a drop-toe-hold into the ring-steps, Followed by three curb stomps, the final of which, coming from the top rope, does the deed, as Seth seals the deal at 12:20.
Calling it a SUPER Stomp felt like I was in the 90s though. You can do better Cole…
I’m mesmerized by Reed’s eyes, but I feel he still needs an extra sizzle to stand out. Comparatively, Otis has embraced a comedy edge alongside the Caterpillar, and perhaps that’s just the sort of simple nudge he needs. My instinct wants to jump in saying “MANAGER!” but I can’t help but think that’s overkill and a slight to his already tremendous presence…
Women’s Crown Jewel Championship Match: Nia Jax (WWE Women’s Champion) Vs. Liv Morgan (Women’s World Champion)
I promise to give this a fair shot. I promise to give this a fair shot.. I PROMISE to give this a fair shot…
Getting back into WWE programming across 2023, I admit, at first I didn’t know what to think of Liv. I’m great with faces, but absolute and unrelenting DOGSHIT with names, and I worried I’d lose her in a sea of new talent. I feel I thought her gimmick was too similar to Alexa Bliss, but when thinking about what she had that finally separated her from a sizable roster, I found that the factor was frankly, IT.
No matter what, this match will be solid, if only for Liv’s consistent evolution and upward trajectory regarding how she is as a PERFORMER. There’s no effort at this point and I love watching talent explode exponentially.
Thankfully WWE’s package including Stratton’s intention to Cash in made the final product or else Id’ve had no idea.
I’m legitimately hoping this goes well for everyone involved.
As we get through the introductions, I’m sure this belt will go down in history as being as respected, renowned, and prolific as Braun Strowman’s Greatest Royal Rumble title.. Right..
RIGHT?…
I’m digging how well these two work within the opening moments. There’s a clean rhythm to start, and Nia has got a good command of her expressions that remains consistent. I feel bad for Liv in expending so much energy in a body suit, but Jax is working solid enough so that everything within the starting few segments is snug and safe.
The pair maneuver to Liv sending Jax to the mat off of a middle rope sunset flip power bomb, and It’s TIFFY TIME as we get Stratton’s aforementioned called shot..
Morgan has enough energy to maintain against Nia as Stratton mugs around debating outside.. Dirty Dom & Raquel Rodriguez turn up and we have the makings of a decent schmoz going on…
At this juncture, I’m thinking thank CHRIST we kept it simple for such an important championship.
Truly, this is the pinnacle of professional wrestling.
Dominik plays some mind games with the ref as Rodriguez knocks Nia into an Oblivion delivering the Crown Jewel title to Liv Morgan at 8:15, and..
I can’t say I hated this.
All things considered, this got SO. MANY. FACES. A. PAYDAY.
WWE did a LOT with a little here, and everyone played their bits PERFECTLY.
Jax delivered a SOLID performance, (albeit quick) and I’m not going to waste a moment in saying otherwise. More than anything, I’m DAMNED impressed by Nia’s SPEED. There was a snap to every drop and strike levied at Liv, and there was not a botch in sight. Could’ve been longer, A well won B+ from me.
An aside on declarations…
I feel compelled to go on the record and state that I don’t care for situations where something is unmistakingly promised and then not delivered upon.
Cards subject to change don’t make up for the fact that a talent said something would happen at event people pay to see, and it didn’t happen.
If Stratton is going to say there is going to be a cash in, I call BULLSHIT when there’s not.
It’s no different to me than the infamous hell in a cell non-ending.
In my eyes, you broadcasted something to happen SPECIFICALLY at the event, and it didn’t happen. Stratton showed up, surely, but anything other than a W or L is a bust for me as far as promises kept.
I cite my own post talking about WWE in goddamned 2013…
Remember when they promoted a bullshit-less finish to a Hell in a Cell with Orton and Daniel Bryan, and then HBK got involved?
In a match promoting a DEFINITIVE CONCLUSION, where the cell would keep out ANY interference, Triple H is at ringside from the get go, and the entire affair REEKS of overbooking...
The fan’s designated special referee HBK superkicks Bryan in the teeth, because OF COURSE and Orton wins..
I know it’s a show, but within an industry built on trust and mutual respect, I’d say keeping your words as far as what you promote is pretty fuckin’ boilerplate.
Randy Orton Vs. Kevin Owens
More than any match on this card, I’m most upset I missed the build to THIS one. I’ve caught videos here and there of Owens’ turn in recent weeks, and I’ve been a mark of his since ROH.
GAH.
Owens was put on this EARTH to break up friendships. It’s almost like he’s made a career of the angle or something…
“I would’ve NEVER done that to you..”
-Kevin Steen/Owens
This video package is good wrestling cheese. Give me more popcorn, I’m FINALLY gettin’ settled in!
I give HHH credit for elevating Owens and underlining the severity of the threat. It’s subtle, in that, if Owens were to be the one to go over Cody, not that he’d need it, but it’s jet fuel for the subconscious rocket he’s being strapped to.
I feel it ONLY makes sense for Owens to get the W here. At this point, Randy gains nothing, but Kevin maintains a spot in the main event scene that keeps him legit in the eyes of every fan thinking “champion.” I just want to mention that thought, as Cole reaffirms HHH’s stance in the difference in Owens.
THAT’S what you call consistency in storytelling folks…
I love me a good attack BEFORE the bell.
When you know the rules, YOU USE THEM. It makes the talent appear sharp as a shitty cheddar pun, and it’s the spice that keeps life tasty.
This naturally leads to Orton’s patented back suplex atop the announce table, and I love Smart. Goddamned. Booking.
Owens stuns the ref, and while I’m surprised we ARE taking such a hard right turn, I can’t say that I’m not for a bit of innovation. These two have done a LOT, so nobody is going to be upset that this is venturing outside the box.
Through numerous officials, seemingly every agent, (lookin’ at YOU Mr. Noble) and eventually General Managers, our dynamic duo make their way through the crowd where X marks the spot as Owens spikes an elbow from the stands through an incapacitated Orton & accompanying table…
Well then.
Is it odd my ONLY complaint is that this went to a no contest so quickly? I mean credit where credit is due, because you can’t slog around too long or else management starts looking incompetent, but I feel like this and the women’s Crown Jewel title bout went a bit shorter than the stars involved were easily capable of delivering.
Color me picky…
Triple Threat WWE United States Championship Match: Carmelo Hayes Vs. LA Knight (champion) Vs. Andrade
This is shaping up to be one of the best Saudi cards the WWE has ever presented. The potential for this one to be match of the night is solid, reflecting the skill of everyone present.
LA Knight takes a corner while Andrade and Hayes trade blows. (Having LITERALLY just deployed this tactic in an upcoming gameplay video, I salute this tactic wholeheartedly..)
Knight steps in with alternating strikes, spreading out his opponents and making solid use of the entire ring and I dig keeping visuals in mind when three ways can EASILY devolve into boring, predictable formulas.
I won’t attempt to keep up with the moment to moment, but the three maintain a swift flow without any hiccups. It’s impressive the pace seems to be about a single move before each man has to return to take the next bump. Nobody is taking more than a SINGLE move’s rest in between swapping out, and with the size of some of these highlights, THAT’S FUCKING IMPRESSIVE.
Highlights include a top rope moonsault from Andrade to an awaiting Knight on the outside, which was not to be outdone by a vaulting flip by Hayes over that same rope.
Another double moonsault by Andrade in the ring leading to a kickout by the champ is when we finally see things start to slow, and good on the trio for the performance thus far.
A double elbow drop from Knight into a double cover over his opponents prompts Michael Cole to note that when possible, why NOT go for a dual pin, if only to secure further bragging rights.
I love Hayes’ elevation. PERIOD.
It was always tremendous fun as a kid in the backyard seeing how far I could get, and Carmelo’s Nothing But Net is Van-Dam-Esque in its flexibility/range.
(This author remains firm in the stance, however, that Hayes is in a world of his own.)
Knight sneaks in with a BFT, and retains within the noise at 9:10..
Solid choices all around. Again, short seems to be the story of the night, but I’ve no genuine complaints. A++ effort from everyone involved.
Men’s Crown Jewel Championship Match: Gunther (World Heavyweight Champion) Vs. Cody Rhodes (WWE Undisputed Champion)
My chest hurts just from thinking about this one.
Is it possible to feel phantom pains in the pecs just from contemplating what’s to come?
Lordy, this one should be a doozy just based on the time left on the ticker on Peacock, and I think I’m finally beginning to understand why everyone else went short.
I’d say this one earned the right to be top dog at the start.
Unfortunately, I already know who wins, but I can still comment as to how the shin-dig goes down…
WWE’s promo package is top tier. Not too hyperbolic, but adequate to bring in this new era with a clear definition. This IS a new era, and while WWE does tend to fall on the side of beating dead horses regarding new PR terms, I feel this has been handled deftly. It’s clever that they put this on level with Flair/Hogan & Race/Sammartino. I’m all about subconscious storytelling, and that’s how you build a foundation of awe for fans to get behind.
No true negative take on the introductions from announcer Mike Rome, but I feel there’s a grace missing to them. Every word feels more shouted and less presented. I know we want to get the weight of the moment over with excitement, but I digress it may just be how I like my steak seasoned..
I feel Cody draws the pair into a rope break mid-sequence as a sizzling crowd continues in unrestrained choruses.
It’s not easy to start such a fan favorite as a slow burn grapple contest, so I appreciate that the two made the call to perhaps switch things on the fly to fit better with the flow.
A fair amount of basic arm work by Rhodes feels a smidgeon sloppy in the early going. The idea is to clearly hang on to that limb, but it felt rushed.
The two are of seemingly even enough height that I can’t explain away some of the smaller errors, but I’m also feeling a little sad we didn’t open with more frantic strikes to match the energy of the audience, but I digress.
Something just feels slightly off between the champions, and I chalk it up to not working together often. Gunther is slow built drama, and Rhodes is almost popcorn fare in presentation, so this was bound to be at least a haiiiiiiir rough ‘round the edges.
Rhodes lands a Suicide Dive into the ready arms of Gunther after a clever roundabout exchange, and I give my first tip of my hat to this match when The World Heavyweight Champ sends Cody spine first into the side of the ring as a response. Everything was as calm and protected as you’d want, and that’s why these two are on top.
The story soon becomes Rhodes’ spine, as Gunther slams his opposition down several times with conviction, giving Cody time to sell between bursts…
Is there a metric I’m not aware of that is the reason we keep getting these God forsaken in-ring camera angles?
Thank CHRIST we have an alternative shot that’s always off color and focus than every other camera and is always slightly askew angle…
With a hand in frame to boot.. Fuck RIGHT off with this nonsense. There’s a reason you hire professional people to do this for a living.
We continue with solid basics and limb work, maintaining a traditional story for everyone to follow.
It’s matches like these that keep me firm in my stances. When Cody & Gunther ascend to the top rope for the first time it just feels RIGHT.
The greats know when to turn the knob up, and those steps have an incremental tried and true order for a REASON. Throw in as much of your own flavor as you want, but why scoff at good framework?
A Superplex gives everyone another well deserved breather as I feel we’ve rounded the halfway mark.
A quick Scoop Slam by Cody reemphasizes the awkwardness mentioned earlier, but, as strange as these two feel together, I’ll salute Gunther’s selling from strikes all the way into a Cody Cutter.
Gunther counters a Disaster Kick into a Boston Crab, and that transition was smooooooooooth…
There’s a quick moment where Cody is snug in a sleeper lock by Gunther, but makes it to the ropes. I’m ECSTATIC that a grappler like Gunther remained true to character, and rather than play dirty, holding until a five count, breaks Rhodes’ arm away PHYSICALLY, then pulls him to the ground.
THAT is the difference between a respectable heel grappler like Gunther, Regal, Danielson etc, and a dirty shit heel like JBL, Jericho, Owens etc…
I feel commentary could’ve helped a bit more on this one thus far. I’m not HATING anything whatsoever, but I feel there’s a thread that’s not pulling its weight narratively, and all I’m getting are basic observations.
Through a Powerbomb from Gunther answered by a back Suplex & Cross-Rhodes from Cody, we begin our stacking of false finishes..
I don’t care for the corner WWE has backed themselves into booking every major conclusion for Cody coming after MULTIPLE signature moves. It’s not really so much about diminishing its effect as it is robbing us of the unpredictable nature of a quick finish.
A countered Cody Cutter from the corner slips from sleeper to 3 count as Rhodes walks away Men’s Crown Jewel Champ at 23:00…
Overall, my main note walking away from this event, was a curiosity over TIME.
I yield that this is one of the more memorable Saudi shows I can recall, but I still feel as if I was watching things at 2x speed.
We’re so long past the days of certain broadcasted events being so tight on time that trimming away minutes from those on the undercard feels dramatically unnecessary.
I could be completely missing the mark with my opinion, but I feel the only thing that robbed this show of what I feel could’ve been a more satisfying conclusion is if EVERYONE was given maybe 2-5 more minutes?
When we’re talking two new titles built around the current faces of your company, it’s striking when there’s a sensation that WWE isn’t valuing what it’s presenting.
It all felt get your shit in and then get out.
No Contests, sub-ten minute matches and botched timing all contribute to a product that could’ve taken a moment here and there to catch a breath.
It’s a testament to every talent that such a quick show saw no hitches, but I feel underwhelmed at the end of the day, and nobody ever wants to say that…
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